And all this intellectualization isn't helping much. Time to rinse and release and get back to walking.

Some frustrations are just better left forgotten.

If it keeps you happy, it makes my day more worth my while.

Damn, i gotta admit that some friends, really do make me miss them.

@_@

Somehow a close friendship is a sacred thing to me. It somehow opens up all my doors that i usually keep closed to the public eye. It really does transform me. I guess i have to admit, in the past i have never let myself get close to anybody. But somehow, I guess, as i have started to let myself just do what my heart tells my brain, i have begun to see that there are people around me that really make this world a wonderful place.

And when I can't reach you, I pray that God and his angels will keep you safe, far from worry and weariness.

And I could never tell you how. No, that's just saying it wrong. The right way of saying it is: I could never say enough or write enough to tell you how much you mean to me. Although it may be difficult at times, I'll always stand by you. I'll stick around for better or for worse.

I'm never going to back down. If you need me to be somewhere; if you need me to do something; if you just need me to listen; I'll be there. It might not be the perfect situation, but I sure am convinced that this is the best I've ever had. My heart tells me that its going to be even more, probably the best I'll ever have in my life.

I could write you a thousand letters and still not be done. But I won't because it'll just be meaningless. Instead, I'll wake up every morning just to send you a message and hope to put a smile on your face. If you're up late, I'll just be talking to you and hopefully I can last until you fall asleep. Just to make sure you get to bed with some comfort and reassurance.

If you need to cross the road, or climb a mountain, or maybe find something that's god-know's-what-and-where, even though I might not be able to really find it, I'll do whatever I can to help you out. I admit I'm no superman, but I'll do my best to be a Clark Kent for you.

If you need someone to talk to or just to simply crap with, I'll be that person for you. I admit, my life might get busy. But that doesn't mean I can't take out maybe five or ten minutes to reply to your messages and make some calls.

Hey, what can I say? I enjoy your company. I hope you do too, because I sure am having the a great time whenever I'm doing anything with you. I just hope to make you feel the same way as well.

^_^

Everyday, when i wake up, i wanna do my best to make sure you got a nice start to your day. I really don't have to, but i really want to. It means, exactly what it looks like. I'm here for you and i want to make sure you're okay. I'm here to stay.

Everyone needs somebody to remind them how much they mean to the people around them.

The stars stare down from the aky
they whisper among themselves
watching us, from high above

the moon
it guards the night sky
beaming down borrowed light

the sun in the center
of our milky way
where light walks from
to our little earth

and why couldn't i be just like them?
to just watch, to just watch...
but You put me here down on this earth
gave me feet, gave me soul
gave me mind, gave me heart
gave me a body, to what end?

i know this diffusion
and all the confusion
is just to make me believe
how wonderful life really is

My life was like a zero, because x =0.

But then you came along, and a "y" came along.

So i guess i added in the y....x + y =?

The answer was a blur. But then after that, i came to realize,

x + y= infinity.

So i came up with the perfect equation, because i finally found what "x" and "y" stood for.

It turned out, that the perfect equation, all along, this is what i was looking for:

me + you = happiness =)

Everytime i think of you, i wonder if you do the same.

Sometimes, i am overcome by this uncontrollable sadness. It comes from somewhere deeper inside me, somewhere i have yet to understand.

I hope you understand that sometimes, i just feel this way.

But its times like these, when i get this way, that i know how important you are to me. I might never admit it, but you're the first one that i would turn to. And i'd do the very same for you.

I hope you know that.

Drives me crazy, in all the right ways. Would you stay?

So. I can't make up my mind?

Let's just let the dust settle and I'll enjoy the moment. Take a breath and just live.

At times its just harder to live.

Other times it feels so much easier.

All the time I'm thankful to have more than just friends.

Sometimes, its hard to stay close. But, its even harder to stay away...

Explain to me why its so hard to wash away this feeling. It sticking onto me so hard. It is crazy. While it eats away at my sanity I am doomed to falling into its clutches at any moment. Oh my god, I am being driven insane.

Let me go already. I beg you. Let me be. If you can't give me my wish, just leave me be already. Shadows of my past, leave me alone.

why did you make me with a heart...?

I can't hold back any longer. Gosh. Why...?

PRAY

sometimes i wake up and i can't figure out what i am going to do with my life. but actually there's always been this singular theme to it that i've always wanted to pursue. its just that only lately have i pushed myself to really go all out for it. i think when people talk about setbacks, some people talk about them in spit. some people talk about them like they are long gone, buried in their past. some people talk about them like they are still with them. everybody has something to be sorry about.

but i guess i just can't let that bring me down anymore. oh damn, there goes the power again. this is kinda ridiculous. everytime things seem to go smoothly, something just crops up and throws a thorn in my side. then everything seems so bleak and dull again. all these things making me deviate and distracting me from what i really want, they really are raging a winning battle most of the time.

for once, i want the sun to shine and show me what it all means.

Maybe I really am done with all this...I can't feel the fire burning anymore. Or this is just the way it happens. Then sometime again I get a sign that tells me otherwise.

can't figure out what i'm good for anymore.

what does it all mean...?

He lightly stumbles as he climbs up the stairs on the front porch. As he reaches for his key, his fingers can't seem to remember which key fits the lock. So manually searches for the right one under the dim lights in the dark. The street lamps don't offer much light much a distance. But, after all, it is his own house and his own keys that he uses every time he returns home. It doesn't take more than a few seconds to unlock the door and step into the house.

The walls of his house are just plain white, but fitted with some portraits of famous people that he never really cared to remember. They were gifts from his relatives when he moved into the city. Apparently, they were some old relics lying around the attic. Tonight, those faces seemed to come to life. He swore that he could feel them gazing him with their watchful, determined eyes as he paced towards the living room.

He threw his coat a chair and slumped onto the single armchair in the room. He opened a jar filled with "M & Ms" and popped one into mouth. Before closing the lid, he gave way to a sigh and decided that he'd have a few more. So he scooped up a handful and didn't even bother to shut the jar. As the night dragged on he would come to finish that jar of treats.

It was another one of those nights. You know, those nights that just keep you awake. That night in particular, he had the most complex of things on his mind. It wasn't something like tomorrow's game. It wasn't the annoying neighbour next door either. Even lectures on quantum physics seemed miniscule to this. The thing on his mind was a girl. More aptly put, a lady. But then, a lady's only involved when there's something called love.

People turn to food to calm their nerves - sometimes. It is perhaps just like how some people choose smoking. Everyone has their own ways and methods, but that night he chose food. To be more exact, that empty jar of "M&Ms" still had its lid open. But the defeated look on his face would not leave. Not even after that much sugar. You would expect some hint of relief or maybe the infamous sugar rush to express itself. No, there wasn't anything close to that.

Instead, his eyelids started getting heavier and droplets of tears started streaking down his cheek. It started as a silent sob, but low and behold, he started moaning. Deep in the night, this man had his hands over his eyes and back bent down on his armchair. His lips were curled into a very deep frown and he even opened all his lungs to let out a scream or shout. But it never came. He was so overcome with sorrow that his speech seemed paralyzed and all he could manage was the soft moaning similar to that of a child.

He cursed his luck. It was the same every time. He was tired, so damned tired. Why was it always the same answer every time? Deluded as it may sound, but is there no creativity in rejection? Those words sunk deep. Perhaps they were deepened by how much he had invested in this venture. Men may be speaking more about money and women like a change of clothes, but when he falls in love there is nothing more important. When he makes up his mind, no care in the world will stop his resolve for an answer. Those fortunate enough to get a good match move onto greener pastures for the better of their time. But the unfortunate ones, well, they end up like our character here.

"Why God, why? You build me as such and yet slay me down every time. Are you trying to hold me to an oath of celibacy? I don't know if I can't continue like this any longer. It hurts too much. SO DAMNED MUCH!!! Damn you, damn myself for damning you, but DAMN you."

Life's a bitch
and faith is its test

No rest for the wanting

and crying will go untold

So unfold yourself from the bed sheet

And wipe the tears off your cheeks

Get yourself cleaned up for the morning

And allow yourself some believing again

Life's a bitch

and faith is its test

The best of us stay believers

And the keys lay in determination and perseverance

And though lightning strikes more than twice

Or even three, four, five, infinite times

Just goes to prove you still got what it takes to live on

So give life your everything and life will return in full

Life's a bitch

and faith is its test

Be damned sure

That bitch keeps her promises too

And to that lady, the man thanks a million for letting him know that after being struck by lightning, he's still alive. And he cries so hard in all his sorrow that he ends up laughing at his misery.

No more regrets.

Speak my mind. Speak my heart. Speak my soul.

The things that I never tell you

One day, I hope to

In my silence I pray for you

So that you'll never need my stories

To make you feel better.

I hope that my jokes

And your laughter

And your smiling

Will be enough

To keep you happy

Because at the end of the day, after everything is done, I look for you.

In those moments that I'd rather spend alone, I let you in.

And I find myself not even needing to find a reason to make myself care about you.

Love is spelled L-O-V-E, but I can't feel it unless we hold hands.

How do i not remember when everything is just another reminder?

Funny how everything i have is built around it. Such an irony.

After all, its priceless.

Everyday, i want to feel like i'm falling in love with you again. Because i'm afraid if i don't, i'll stop reminding you of how much you mean to me.

Every second.

Remember yesterday.

Dream tomorrow.

Move today.

My move: I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know you.

no joke. bipolar should be a meme. except it turns you psycho. real.

BGWP. Nobody wins.

Focus is hard to come by when so many things are pounding in your mind, demanding attention.

Have things really been that bad

Or is it all this harbouring anger

Or that lost child wandering the streets

Maybe the lonely, heartbroken librarian

Books are a sanctuary

Anger drowns into sadness

And tears fill an empty cup

Tell me why it seems that death is a rescue

When there is so much more to live for?

Strange...

The greying, fading, almost tiring...

How peculiar that even emotions seem to have their battery life.

Maybe because they don't come from me?

Then..where do they come from?

I'm sitting here in disbelief and my mind takes on a will of its own. Its riling and brewing up a storm. Maybe this is why I've always felt there are so many different voices talking at the same time. Maybe this is why talking is so tiring to me sometimes. Its like someone or some people are moving on their own inside of my head. My thoughts are splintered and rounding from topic to topic, image to image.

In the end, the battlefield is filled with scores of dead bodies and my heart feels the weight of all the dead.

My soul lays fractured.

Girl: What do you want from me?

Boy: Nothing.

Girl: Then..what's all this...fuss about?

*Moments of silence*

Boy: ... Its not that I don't want anything from you. Its that I want everything that you are, because if you would just let me, I would give my whole world just to be with you. But you said no and I don't want to trouble you with the this burden. I am giving up my own happiness, so that I can still see you smile when we meet. The last thing I'd want is for me to become a reminder of all that hurt.

When that compilation of songs that sing love and heartbreak has stopped breaking you up inside, stopped putting you downer, started making you stronger...you know things are just getting better.

Thank you.

Funny...

Funny how I always couldn't tell you how I really felt. I could write it all, but when you gave me that answer, my tongue went numb and I was at a loss for words. But I still felt the same. The only difference is that I could never tell you about it anymore. It would have to be more suttle, because it just felt wrong.

You would never know how much I dreamt of you. All of those fantasies that I had. Everything that I wanted to do, all those places that I'd like to go with you. I'd draw you a new horizon and fly you there, even if it was just in my imagination. It'd be a special place, just for me and you. Nobody else would know. It'd be a secret.

But its too far away now. But, funny how I'm still standing. I guess somehow you gave me a little something before you left. I guess I did too. I hope you remember, because I do.

Funny... how I don't hate you. Funny how I still could fall in love with you.

And now. Funny, how when I even think of you, I cried so hard I think my tears have run dry.

Funny how I still kinda love you. But eventually, I'll just think all of this a great fiasco to remember. Of how we got to know each other and went beyond friends and probably, for awhile, were in love.

Funny how we're standing on different sides now. But still standing.

Bleeding...

Funny how I don't regret it. Not one moment.

It still stings. But I'll keep it as silent as possible. So that you know that I can move on. You gave me a gift I'll never forget. I'm forever thankful to you. I hope I could give you the same as well. But I guess it just didn't work out that way. So I'll suffice for those moments that you still need me. I'll be there.

Just let me know.

It really doesn't need to make sense anymore. Just follow the direction of the winds of change and listen to the beat of my heart. That'll be my guide.

What's important is that I break down these walls, they've kept me in for a very long time. It's time for you, Shadow, to meet the Dawn. And you Moony, child of the moon, shall start to do some star hopping. The moon is no longer your home. It has been crumbling since you received your calling from a world far, far away.

And so, the phoenix will rise with a tide of vengeance and a trail of fire. A spirit to quench the thirst of spite and cleanse with fire all that the dreadful Shadow has poisoned. The world will be old, burnt and spent. But the child shall arrive to create a new chapter with all his power, bestowed by hope and a child's limitless imagination.

So hurry on, child. Start your long journey. There is nothing in your way.

How ironic.

Wait so long.

I'd wait some more.

WAAAARGGGHHH.

The weight always starts to set it after everything's done. Somehow this mind is smart enough to place a block while i'm around people. So maybe that's just it...

Every time

To hell and back

And every time

More than before

Worth it all

No pain, no gain

There's no beauty in perfection

And life's got no flavour when its stale.

Take some time to look at the sky. Draw those curtains and open the windows to let in the wind. Brace yourself for the moment the sun light touches your skin. I bet that you'll be feeling that tinkling on your skin. That's the warmth of the sun on your skin. Did you ever realize that without the light, your eyes would be blind?

Look closer and you'll see that the sky isn't blue. It is perhaps a dozen different shades of blue. But words are limited by having only one definition. The human mind and speech, often dictated by language, can only simplify those different hues. But just so you know, that one word "blue" means so much more. Now that you think of it, doesn't it?

I look behind me and there stands my shadow. I close my eyes to remember and just feel the breeze. The wind sweeps my mind back to days far gone. Every soft touch of moving air, bellows my heart to beat in unison. I hold my breath, for just a few moments, and then let out a sigh of relief. I'm still standing.

And my eyes are on you now. As I walk back to where I left you. That park bench. You stand up and sling your bag up your shoulder. Then comes to best part - the smile you always wear. Is there a colour for that? I don't think so. But if I were to try, I'd call it beautiful. The world is beautiful and you make it all the more so.

Let it go

Tears shall fall

And wash away

Healing your wounds

Let it go

Its all it takes

The highs and lows

They come everyday

There's only one constant

That can stand on both planes

The high flying gliding of joy

The low, stormy seas of sorrow

For me, only love remains a good company

When the day comes

That I may find someone

To share it with

I'll create a sanctuary

For just the two of us

Will the man on the moon, come down and give me some advice? I'm lying in waste on my bed, my body unwilling to move and my mind just clouded and my heart heavy. I'm suffocating on my own breath and drowning in my thoughts.

And I'll say to that man, that man from the moon, the man who sits there all lonely and watching: "Please, tell me, what of women and their wiles? Tell me why they play these games? Tell me why my heart hurts so painfully when I see them so near yet so far away?"

I must be crazy, because here I am, talking to an imaginary person who I think exists from the moon. I'm picturing him laughing away up there so high in the dark sky. And the night sky, all those stars, they blink away like a thousand watching eyes. All of the peering down on me.

And again I have to lament: "Why, oh why does this torment befall me? I have chosen to give all my secrets and I lay down my defenses and weapons. And now when I am helpless before her, it seems like it was all just a dream? What can I do to let her know how much I need her? Or is it never going to be enough and I'm just another dent in her past?"

How I wish that it was ever enough. That other side seems so alluring now. That place they call celibacy. No wine can bring an end to this. So I'll just write it on a paper and burn it to watch. Maybe that'll cure my eyes, turn me blind, make me deaf and bring me amnesia.

And yet here I still am. I'm still waiting. Like a fool. God, help me.

I have no reason to stay this way. So, Mr. Devil, if you would please, stop. I swear, if I cry, you'll weep tears worse than sorrow.

Love letters on Halloween.

I'll speak to you in a whisper

Away from anyone else

That side of me that I keep silent

From the everyday crowd

That part of me that I cherish

And treasure the most.

That part of me that brings back

A thousand memories of pain

And joy and everything between

To reopen them, now and forever

I'd go through it all over again

So, just so that you know

You're worth every second

Every beat of my heart

Every breath that I take

I keep my very best
Your's for the taking.

stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop stop

Its amazing how different things can seem when you have the right people around you.

The world has a harsh reality. Any way you look at it, nothing completely works out for you. Economists might have been referring to this as the "invisible hand". But I think, for what's worth, it is really about the people that you go through life with. Events, time and all those uncontrollably complex and unpredictable things, are just side effects...or rather, sidetracks from the main idea of everything - people.

If you feel like you fit in perfectly in a crowd, it can make such a big difference. But then again, I've never looked for such perfection. I tried fitting in before, but I realized that it is more important to have your own individuality. Not everything belongs to yourself, but not everything belongs to society either. You share and coexist together in a dialectic of things.

I think it means the world to me, when there's someone like you out there that can make me feel like tomorrow, is definitely worth waiting for. I definitely, would like that. It only makes sense, because my hollowness comes from my heart. So what else would I be pursuing? What better reason should I have? In fact, there's nothing else to say. Gladly, with all my heart, mind and soul... I could live just to see you happy.

I'd only be fair, because without doing anything at all you made me smile inside. I hope you can see that too. I hope you find out. I'll only waiting.

In those awkward pauses of silence that happen when we talk. I really wanted to ask: "Could I just sit here and stare at you?"

._____.

u know something's wrong when you start catching yourself typing "lose" as "love".

Even if I hit my head and lost my memory, your name would still be echoing inside.

Translation: I think about you a lot. LIKE, A LOT. I'm just shy about saying it.

Even though it hurts everytime i fall down, i still get back up to walk again. How can I tell you, that i am falling right now? And the only reason i'm walking is to get closer to you.

can't you see

I've lost my mind

I'm running out of time

can't you see

I'm looking for you

At a table for two

can't you see

I've been trying to call you

But my fingers never follow through

can't you see

I just wanted hang out

And talk to you

Silence.

why does it hurt so much...?

Maybe its because everytime, i give it all my attention, and i know its kinda bad, but nothing else seems to matter more. So when it goes away, it takes everything.

I won't sing. If i did, the whole world would die. So no, i wont sing for you. Because in the whole world, you're the one i really want to stay alive.

There's a warning on Pandora's box: "Once the gates open, there's no turning back. You may find escape once in awhile. But it is here to stay. You invited them in."

And so with rain, comes thunder.

Followed by lightning, and after

A rainbow with sunshine.

Then the winds start to blow, once more

The inklings of rain, they come

In those knowing droplets

Your only solace

Is the calm before the storm.

And all this. In the blink of an eye. Who's there not to tell you, that you've lost your marbles?

It's ironic that the light dims out during the night and yet there are so many creatures and beings still needing the light. Some creatures are sensitive in that they shy away when there's too much of it, but just the right amount brings out their majesty.

Tonight the moon shines in full swing. Somehow even the storm clouds have cleared and made way for its light to touch the earth. The nightingale softly chirps a serenade only to be joined by the distant howling of wolves. Fireflies dance along the river banks in a show of lights. Dancing in and out of sight as they hover through the tall tree trunks, their only rival is the moonlight seeping through the spaces between the leaves above them.

And here I am, sitting under a lemon tree. I'm just wishing that the last piece of this picture would fall into place. Come sit with me and I'll give you a story. It's kinda your story, because it starts with how this place is so much more beautiful with you in it.

You make me want to stay in bed forever. Because when you're not with me, at least i can dream about you.

and again

these four walls

are the only things

that i can turn to

everything else

just seems so distant

why god?

do you make me so

i build a thousand walls around myself

hoping that someone will come in

i lament to you

is there any such person?

And my bloody hands

are tired of the pricks

from tearing down the thorns

and i begin to fill with scorn

my faith withers

and rekindles

all at the same time

you fill me up

and bring me down

am i forever to be alone?

teach me love

send me an angel

and teach me to keep her

for i've learnt everything

but to take care of myself

1

There's a dam. It's somewhere far from the swirls of civilization and around the corner from the meeting point of all the greatest rivers of the world. Its kept far away from the knowledge of man. Thus saying, only a few people know about it. Sworn to secrecy, they seldom speak of it. Others, at first, knew about it. But talk grew less and slowly it drifted away into legend.

This dam is special. It holds the water of the world in one place. But by an almost alien technology, that water is suspended in mid air. It forms a huge sphere. Actually, there are several huge spheres in the vicinity. Each sphere is connected to one another and each has its own "clamp" to keep it in place. In the world of the future, space is the most expensive commodity. Even the intangible Internet needs physical servers to create "space". Technology has tried again and again to create more space by reducing the amount of physical space these servers require. But this dam, creates space in a way no other can.

The miracle of these "clamps" is not only that it levitates the water in place, but it also creates a remote gravitational pull that compresses matter, much like a black hole. But unlike a black hole, which in theory has unlimited space, these clamps can only hold a certain amount of mass. There's where the ingenuity of using several clamps in a connected manner comes into play. Each sphere is connected by veins of water. The water is constantly moving throughout a total of 3 spheres. This moving motion helps maintain equilibrium and lessens the constant mass that each clamp has to manage. This mechanism allows the 3 clamps to actually hold 3 times their normal capacity.

There's an image in my head, that i can't get rid of. That's my being.

There's a feeling inside of me, that i can't get rid of. That's my heart.

There's a lingering feeling of exploration, that i can't get rid of. That's my soul.

And then, there's that thing that happened, and i forgot about everything else. That's you.

Every guy has a dream girl.

He'll talk about her all day.

Tell you how beautiful she is.

Tell you how she sends a shiver down his spine.

But if that guy tells you one day, that he likes you.

Even though he keeps talking about that dream girl.

Deep down inside, you're all he wants.

He chose you.

The Fray - look after you

I looked to the stars and asked for an answer.

I sent out questions on the wings of pigeons and doves.

But the never came back replied, only empty handed.

I stared at the stars more and more.

And every night my heart became heavier.

The eye bags beneath my eyes revealed it all.

My heart hangs on a mere thread.

My mind longs for freedom and peace from this whole situation.

I need something to live for.

And I looked to the heavens no more.

I looked ahead and before me.
I now ask you:

Will you let me be there for you?

Because I'd like make you my reason.

Not just because I like you that much, perhaps I even love you.

But more importantly, because you make me want to be a better person.

The road down under

The sky turns grey

And the colours fade to dullness

My eyes seem to have lost

Their lustre for the variants

Of colours that precede them

And i walk, not talking

Down a path i've never known

Yet again, it keeps me thinking

Where it will bring me

But the hope and excitement

All seems to hollow

I look in the mirror

And i see reflections

Of a few, not many

But a few, they are enough

To remind me of past, present and future

The many facades i wear to

Dance in the daylight

An actor of situations

A chameleon of sorts

And i look to the other

The one in the dark corner

Nearly hidden from my eyes, i say

I can't love you anymore

You stole it all

And after everything

I feel like

This time, this place

I feel i'm laying under a tombstone

Buried 6 feet under

Resting in a coffin

A last year

Last year

I fell down a hill

I thought of taking a few pills

But i got ill

Last year

I went up a mountain

I tried to breath in

But i couldn't feel a thing

Last year

Just felt so empty

Without you

freedom

The smells of roses today seems bittersweet. Just a few days ago, I took the time to look at them and so I decided to pluck one off the rosebush and take in the scent. It smelled sweetly pleasant but it wasn't lasting or strong enough - at least not for me.

Life might bring many adversities onto mankind but love has brought many pains to me. I let the pain define me and maybe that is why, I see pain like a dog on a scent's trail. But it also sticks to me like a curse, because somehow there is a black hole inside of me and it pulls and seeps in those painful feelings from others and imprints them in my memory. No man or woman, should be put through such a torment. For having to bear with one's own painful memories is burden enough, but to feel and remember to pains of everyone else is the road down to a painful, godless martyrdom.

There is no release for me. Or maybe there is, but it is only those few moments in my lamenting life that I manage the strength to muster some hope. I fear that soon, my greatest hope will be my own undoing. That pathway lays open for me everyday, but I wish not to inflict more pain upon my loved ones than I already am - or should.

And when i lay down in my secret place

i dream of you like as more than a fleeting glance

but it is all a dream for the later days

and dreams keep me moving on

but they also bring me down

for in secret i am burning

like a gleeful prisoner that finds freedom

for i wish to be free

of my prison of solitude

and in my secret prayer

i pray to not be dreaming

that you come to set me free

The story of Hero - Enrique Iglesias

For a long time, I was in a slump. Perhaps, you could say I was buried under a lot of things. You might want to use the term "excess baggage". The only way I could ever explain it, is that I've not being very truthful to myself. For the longest time that I could remember, I let myself slide into a grave of my own making. There was an entire "underworld" of demons and dark shadowy forms accompanying me. But somehow I just couldn't get out.

Then one day, I somehow decided that it was enough. I was fed up of everything. The underworld wasn't enough for me. I was wasting away inside a place that was going nowhere. It was stagnant, full of memories of the past. There were shards of mirrors lying around. The mirrors were fragments of dreams lost to the unforgiving tests of time. Each of these mirror carried heavy weights of guilt and remorse. But what could I do about the past? Nothing.

So I turned my head away from the place and I prayed for a ladder. My prayers, it seemed, had already been answered long ago. Deep down inside, I had always hoped for a way out. So it was always there - always had been. Thus, now that the veil of doubt in me had been torn away, I could finally see it. It was right before my eyes. I didn't have to search the world for it. I didn't even have to make one step. It had always been there, right next to me. All I had to do was reach for it. So I did.

In a matter of seconds, I left it all behind me - the underworld. The howling of the demons followed me and the strong pull out of the place had left cuts on my arms. I was bleeding. But a hand reached out and lent me a bandage. Now that's something I hadn't felt in a long time - warmth. Was it an angel? I doubt so. The world is real and there are many things from our dreams that we draw from reality.

I found a comforting hand. I nearly cried for a moment. Spending so much time in the underworld had left me almost heartless. I had forgotten the meaning of having one. It is not only the warmth that embraces you, but also the feeling of wanting to return it. There really is no greater gift to a murderer that one of acceptance. And of course, that warm, genuine smile only makes things seem better.

From a moment of nothingness, I felt enveloped with a sudden rush of intensity. I just seemed without explanation. I could never fathom such emotion could befall me once again. There it was, the light that I had needed all my miserable years. At that single moment, I felt the banishment of all the shadows lurking in those corners of my mind. Once again, I realized that I had let myself slip into the company of my demented self. As that wash of realization overcame me, my heart stopped beating. For an entire minute, I felt no heartbeat. I thought I was going to die. Was this the end of the misery?

Then, suddenly, I felt like someone had struck a match inside my chest. It started to feel like a small tingling sensation. But this sensation slowly spread to arms, neck and feet. I was sure that I was going into a seizure. A moment later, softly, I felt a heartbeat...and then another. I came to realize, that I had not been breathing either and my lungs suddenly felt like they were at the point of bursting. As I took the first breath, I erupted in flames - but it wasn't burning.

My body was not on fire, but my mind was. I felt like I was burning all the way to the very core of my soul. I fell down onto my knees and let the sensation linger. It slowly died down, but it left me with an assurance that I would always be able to look up and see a bright side of things. I was no longer going to be paralyzed by those shattered dreams and broken memories. Now, they would be my wings that I fly with.

And to you, my hero

You helped pave the way

From when I was below zero

And I pledged myself from that day

That if you ever needed a new way

I would always be here to stay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=koJlIGDImiU

Oil and Water

This song by Incubus. Somehow it just hits all the right notes whenever I listen to it. Is it a sad reality? I can't no longer be sure of it anymore. Sometimes it really stings when you don't feel as if there's a real "home" for you. But in another way, it's telling you that there's still something for you to live for. Why is life a beautiful thing? Maybe it's because of all the ironies, all the paradox. Perhaps, that's the real adventure.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0uHsvLxu3GU

Paramore - crush crush crush

There's really nothing to it

The light starts to dance

The sounds break into music

My world seems on fire

Because you stepped in

By this time, you gotta feel that i'm lying. It's everything, a real big deal - it's you.