i still don't understand why i weep for something that doesn't belong to me. the question is: how do you un-invest into something when you somehow feel your entire being is connected to it? Anger has its moments, but somehow it cools down to sad disappointment. So here, i'm not talking about anger or sadness. I bet its just this thing called emotion. Well my emotional center might as well me doing some kinda limbo-tango dance because it seems i'm in for a rodeo ride most of the time. But that's the wonder i see in everything. So meh, i'll just hop on for the ride and pray to god to give me strength to ride through these waves.

So, i'm breathing heavily on this self-induced guilt trip. All these years since i've started college, i think it has been the one thing holding me down. i think i am the kind of person that strives through adversity. i overcompensate when stressed. After the whole fiasco of working on overdrive, of course, i would probably fall sick. At least i don't lie down on my bed the whole time and rot and wither.

but i think the worst part of it all, is that i am sentimental. i am dysfunctionally nostalgic about all the events that occur in my life. my brother once commented "you know, you don't need to be the one driving..." when he was talking about me having to fetch people. actually i really felt that i always did that voluntarily. it really did feel that way. but now when i look back, i guess i do have this helplessness in wanting to help people when i can. but it gets in the way with a lot of things now. now i feel guilty about all the things that i have done wrong.

the hardest part of it is not living with the consequences. those, i can live with. but i think the hardest part of it all is not being able to let go. everytime i go on an overdose of nostalgia, those dark times return to haunt me. they fill me up with guilt and i just can't seem to forgive myself for all of those things that i have done.

i do a lot, many things to distract myself, to try and make up for all my mistakes. but somehow i can never see them as being enough. maybe they are enough for other people. but i, to myself, i still feel like a useless person most of the time. i feel that this whole feeling just...somehow it...manifests in a very harmful way. somehow i am unconsciously always putting myself down into situations where it is so easy to just give up and fail.

how i wish i could get out of a circle like this. i feel that i can, rather easily, but with lots of support. somehow, i just refuse that support. i hate myself for being this way.

how do i really let go of all this baggage?

lkfjdlaksjflkdsajfkl;sda

MAMA , I JUST KILLED A MAN!

:D

And i draw you close into my embrace. And look into your eyes, searching. And i draw you closer and kiss your lips. And all this i wish for, every time i see you.

As if i was holding you, and falling in love with you, for the very first time. Everyday, over and over again, my love for you, forever renewed.

Olive juice <3

"could I catch you in a quiet place, so i could hold you close, because i'd protect you, your body and your heart, from taking too much harm, but when i see you i'd wish you're in my arms, because your presence gives me strength, so that is all i ask."

so send her my love, by prayers and faith, on the wings of angels

I'd wish to have you be the only person to hold and to love
and to wake up every morning to see your face and hear your voice
but if you don't let me know what i have to get there
i'll never be able to work something out
if you'd let me make you happy tomorrow
i'll do my best to make it stay that way for all tomorrows to come...

pray

believe

faith

patience

serenity

When I'm happy, you're the first one I want to know.
When I'm sad too, you're the first one I will turn to.

You're the one I want to share a life with
You're the one that I am giving all my trust to

Night or day
Rain or shine

I know I'm not dreaming
Because every morning, you give me a reason to wake up :)

yellow brick road

Everything may have started accidental
but what I do now is more of incidental
You see, I'm painting like a fool
But this breeze I feel is just so cool
Like in every sunset the sky turns an orange hue
Its no surprise I'm still sticking around for you
And its not my intention to make you a slave to love
I want to help you rise above
My only selfish act in this endeavor
Is that, I want us to do it together

my, oh my...

Can't believe how much...

i guess....

i gotta stop saying i guess, because i don't guess about it any longer.

But I'm lucky, because I had the chance to say the things that I've had hidden all this while. I should have said it earlier, perhaps. But some things are better said and told when the time comes. Perhaps I was also waiting to see if it would even get this far. Because if there wasn't a common question hanging in the air, it would mean that we were probably on a different page altogether. I guess I think too much at times, think too far. But that just shows the amount of time and effort I am willing to put into it (and all this is without me even knowing it). Some things just are worth your while. It just can't be explained with words. Because if they could, then shakespear would have married all the women in the world. But he didn't, because perhaps he only showed that he could only give his life and heart to one person. The whole world would see his performance, but only one person would see him as a complete person. Because when a man decides that he wants something, he really puts everything into it. And when that "something", not meaning to be crude, is a woman; well that is just a whole new level of giving everything. Men don't shed tears (not in public at least) not because blood is their way of declaring manhood, but because tears get in the way of all that effort needed to show that one person that she means the world to him. Women are the downfall of all men. But they forgot to mention that it is a fall into a more complete way of life. Because if there is one thing that men are bad at, it is that of accepting help and comfort. They need a real lady for that. Men don't cry infront of other men, they only cry to women who they cherish. But before they cry, they will be strong as steel for you in everything they do. A real man doesn't horde his profits in a vault for himself, but will want to find someone to share it with. Because in the end he knows that all the money in the world could never buy him happiness. Only a woman who is willing to share life with him would be able to complete that need. And that's why men usually buy gifts for women. Because there are only a few who truly have the courage to look into a woman's eye and show their weakness and love for them. Gifts are just so much easier.

And maybe this part might only be just for me. But having someone there with you to share your joy and sorrow. I'd gladly erase February 14th from the calender and challenge myself to spend every single day to make that girl happy, as if she was a princess, as if valentine's lasted forever. In the end, you're not looking for something. That something is just a thing, a feeling, an item. You're looking for somebody to share that feeling with. Because what you feel is just half the equation.

So really what Tom Cruise once said in Jerry Maguire: "You complete me." That is perhaps the one true thing any man can admit to a woman.

So really, you do..you do...

so if it comes to a day when i have to say this...

If you want to play this game, i have to tell you i'm kinda tired. But i'm still going to play it. Whatever you want, i'll do it for you. Just to show you i'd walk the distance just to be with you. Because you're worth every single misery i have to bare with. Having you with me makes me happier than words can say. Really, from the bottom of my heart, you complete me.

just by thinking about it. i laugh at my own musings.

but in honest fact, those musings ... would they change your mind?

Moving, but my heart stands still
A rock for you, warm at your touch
I'm still here for you
waiting

When i stay away, i just realize even more that i can't.

Who are you, really?

I am making a fool out of myself, albeit willingly.

The perfect storm.

I'm no angel, but for you...

I would be. I will be. I'll always be.

Promise.

The island breeze. The sparkling, clear water. The warm sand. The bright, blue sky. The scenery.

Tranquility. But that's just part of the picture because life isn't just so boring.

My life's a bore.

But i keep myself busy making you smile.

My life is meaningful.