Jet lagged

Somehow I feel so jet-lagged. Not in the sense of going through that biological up-down-upside-down-crazy-roller-coaster of a night and day exchange trip, but more of a feeling that I'm lost in a whirlwind of situations. I don't feel like I'm in control. I don't feel like I'm even doing anything. Its as if I'm standing still and everything around me is changing. This environment is changing so fast and I'm still standing here. The more I think about it, the more helpless I feel.

Like a puppy on a leash. That leash tied onto a bicycle and the cyclist is pushing the cartwheel mechanism with all his might. Each second he gains speed...faster...faster...and faster. I'm just trailing behind, trying to keep up. My legs are yet to have fully developed and my spirit has yet to become that undying devotion that dogs show their owners... their leaders. So I trip and I stumble. I fall and get back up.

i still don't understand why i weep for something that doesn't belong to me. the question is: how do you un-invest into something when you somehow feel your entire being is connected to it? Anger has its moments, but somehow it cools down to sad disappointment. So here, i'm not talking about anger or sadness. I bet its just this thing called emotion. Well my emotional center might as well me doing some kinda limbo-tango dance because it seems i'm in for a rodeo ride most of the time. But that's the wonder i see in everything. So meh, i'll just hop on for the ride and pray to god to give me strength to ride through these waves.

So, i'm breathing heavily on this self-induced guilt trip. All these years since i've started college, i think it has been the one thing holding me down. i think i am the kind of person that strives through adversity. i overcompensate when stressed. After the whole fiasco of working on overdrive, of course, i would probably fall sick. At least i don't lie down on my bed the whole time and rot and wither.

but i think the worst part of it all, is that i am sentimental. i am dysfunctionally nostalgic about all the events that occur in my life. my brother once commented "you know, you don't need to be the one driving..." when he was talking about me having to fetch people. actually i really felt that i always did that voluntarily. it really did feel that way. but now when i look back, i guess i do have this helplessness in wanting to help people when i can. but it gets in the way with a lot of things now. now i feel guilty about all the things that i have done wrong.

the hardest part of it is not living with the consequences. those, i can live with. but i think the hardest part of it all is not being able to let go. everytime i go on an overdose of nostalgia, those dark times return to haunt me. they fill me up with guilt and i just can't seem to forgive myself for all of those things that i have done.

i do a lot, many things to distract myself, to try and make up for all my mistakes. but somehow i can never see them as being enough. maybe they are enough for other people. but i, to myself, i still feel like a useless person most of the time. i feel that this whole feeling just...somehow it...manifests in a very harmful way. somehow i am unconsciously always putting myself down into situations where it is so easy to just give up and fail.

how i wish i could get out of a circle like this. i feel that i can, rather easily, but with lots of support. somehow, i just refuse that support. i hate myself for being this way.

how do i really let go of all this baggage?

lkfjdlaksjflkdsajfkl;sda

MAMA , I JUST KILLED A MAN!

:D

And i draw you close into my embrace. And look into your eyes, searching. And i draw you closer and kiss your lips. And all this i wish for, every time i see you.

As if i was holding you, and falling in love with you, for the very first time. Everyday, over and over again, my love for you, forever renewed.

Olive juice <3

"could I catch you in a quiet place, so i could hold you close, because i'd protect you, your body and your heart, from taking too much harm, but when i see you i'd wish you're in my arms, because your presence gives me strength, so that is all i ask."

so send her my love, by prayers and faith, on the wings of angels