can't figure out what i'm good for anymore.

what does it all mean...?

He lightly stumbles as he climbs up the stairs on the front porch. As he reaches for his key, his fingers can't seem to remember which key fits the lock. So manually searches for the right one under the dim lights in the dark. The street lamps don't offer much light much a distance. But, after all, it is his own house and his own keys that he uses every time he returns home. It doesn't take more than a few seconds to unlock the door and step into the house.

The walls of his house are just plain white, but fitted with some portraits of famous people that he never really cared to remember. They were gifts from his relatives when he moved into the city. Apparently, they were some old relics lying around the attic. Tonight, those faces seemed to come to life. He swore that he could feel them gazing him with their watchful, determined eyes as he paced towards the living room.

He threw his coat a chair and slumped onto the single armchair in the room. He opened a jar filled with "M & Ms" and popped one into mouth. Before closing the lid, he gave way to a sigh and decided that he'd have a few more. So he scooped up a handful and didn't even bother to shut the jar. As the night dragged on he would come to finish that jar of treats.

It was another one of those nights. You know, those nights that just keep you awake. That night in particular, he had the most complex of things on his mind. It wasn't something like tomorrow's game. It wasn't the annoying neighbour next door either. Even lectures on quantum physics seemed miniscule to this. The thing on his mind was a girl. More aptly put, a lady. But then, a lady's only involved when there's something called love.

People turn to food to calm their nerves - sometimes. It is perhaps just like how some people choose smoking. Everyone has their own ways and methods, but that night he chose food. To be more exact, that empty jar of "M&Ms" still had its lid open. But the defeated look on his face would not leave. Not even after that much sugar. You would expect some hint of relief or maybe the infamous sugar rush to express itself. No, there wasn't anything close to that.

Instead, his eyelids started getting heavier and droplets of tears started streaking down his cheek. It started as a silent sob, but low and behold, he started moaning. Deep in the night, this man had his hands over his eyes and back bent down on his armchair. His lips were curled into a very deep frown and he even opened all his lungs to let out a scream or shout. But it never came. He was so overcome with sorrow that his speech seemed paralyzed and all he could manage was the soft moaning similar to that of a child.

He cursed his luck. It was the same every time. He was tired, so damned tired. Why was it always the same answer every time? Deluded as it may sound, but is there no creativity in rejection? Those words sunk deep. Perhaps they were deepened by how much he had invested in this venture. Men may be speaking more about money and women like a change of clothes, but when he falls in love there is nothing more important. When he makes up his mind, no care in the world will stop his resolve for an answer. Those fortunate enough to get a good match move onto greener pastures for the better of their time. But the unfortunate ones, well, they end up like our character here.

"Why God, why? You build me as such and yet slay me down every time. Are you trying to hold me to an oath of celibacy? I don't know if I can't continue like this any longer. It hurts too much. SO DAMNED MUCH!!! Damn you, damn myself for damning you, but DAMN you."

Life's a bitch
and faith is its test

No rest for the wanting

and crying will go untold

So unfold yourself from the bed sheet

And wipe the tears off your cheeks

Get yourself cleaned up for the morning

And allow yourself some believing again

Life's a bitch

and faith is its test

The best of us stay believers

And the keys lay in determination and perseverance

And though lightning strikes more than twice

Or even three, four, five, infinite times

Just goes to prove you still got what it takes to live on

So give life your everything and life will return in full

Life's a bitch

and faith is its test

Be damned sure

That bitch keeps her promises too

And to that lady, the man thanks a million for letting him know that after being struck by lightning, he's still alive. And he cries so hard in all his sorrow that he ends up laughing at his misery.

No more regrets.

Speak my mind. Speak my heart. Speak my soul.

The things that I never tell you

One day, I hope to

In my silence I pray for you

So that you'll never need my stories

To make you feel better.

I hope that my jokes

And your laughter

And your smiling

Will be enough

To keep you happy

Because at the end of the day, after everything is done, I look for you.

In those moments that I'd rather spend alone, I let you in.

And I find myself not even needing to find a reason to make myself care about you.

Love is spelled L-O-V-E, but I can't feel it unless we hold hands.

How do i not remember when everything is just another reminder?

Funny how everything i have is built around it. Such an irony.

After all, its priceless.

Everyday, i want to feel like i'm falling in love with you again. Because i'm afraid if i don't, i'll stop reminding you of how much you mean to me.

Every second.

Remember yesterday.

Dream tomorrow.

Move today.

My move: I want to spend the rest of my life getting to know you.

no joke. bipolar should be a meme. except it turns you psycho. real.

BGWP. Nobody wins.

Focus is hard to come by when so many things are pounding in your mind, demanding attention.

Have things really been that bad

Or is it all this harbouring anger

Or that lost child wandering the streets

Maybe the lonely, heartbroken librarian

Books are a sanctuary

Anger drowns into sadness

And tears fill an empty cup

Tell me why it seems that death is a rescue

When there is so much more to live for?

Strange...

The greying, fading, almost tiring...

How peculiar that even emotions seem to have their battery life.

Maybe because they don't come from me?

Then..where do they come from?

I'm sitting here in disbelief and my mind takes on a will of its own. Its riling and brewing up a storm. Maybe this is why I've always felt there are so many different voices talking at the same time. Maybe this is why talking is so tiring to me sometimes. Its like someone or some people are moving on their own inside of my head. My thoughts are splintered and rounding from topic to topic, image to image.

In the end, the battlefield is filled with scores of dead bodies and my heart feels the weight of all the dead.

My soul lays fractured.

Girl: What do you want from me?

Boy: Nothing.

Girl: Then..what's all this...fuss about?

*Moments of silence*

Boy: ... Its not that I don't want anything from you. Its that I want everything that you are, because if you would just let me, I would give my whole world just to be with you. But you said no and I don't want to trouble you with the this burden. I am giving up my own happiness, so that I can still see you smile when we meet. The last thing I'd want is for me to become a reminder of all that hurt.

When that compilation of songs that sing love and heartbreak has stopped breaking you up inside, stopped putting you downer, started making you stronger...you know things are just getting better.

Thank you.

Funny...

Funny how I always couldn't tell you how I really felt. I could write it all, but when you gave me that answer, my tongue went numb and I was at a loss for words. But I still felt the same. The only difference is that I could never tell you about it anymore. It would have to be more suttle, because it just felt wrong.

You would never know how much I dreamt of you. All of those fantasies that I had. Everything that I wanted to do, all those places that I'd like to go with you. I'd draw you a new horizon and fly you there, even if it was just in my imagination. It'd be a special place, just for me and you. Nobody else would know. It'd be a secret.

But its too far away now. But, funny how I'm still standing. I guess somehow you gave me a little something before you left. I guess I did too. I hope you remember, because I do.

Funny... how I don't hate you. Funny how I still could fall in love with you.

And now. Funny, how when I even think of you, I cried so hard I think my tears have run dry.

Funny how I still kinda love you. But eventually, I'll just think all of this a great fiasco to remember. Of how we got to know each other and went beyond friends and probably, for awhile, were in love.

Funny how we're standing on different sides now. But still standing.

Bleeding...

Funny how I don't regret it. Not one moment.

It still stings. But I'll keep it as silent as possible. So that you know that I can move on. You gave me a gift I'll never forget. I'm forever thankful to you. I hope I could give you the same as well. But I guess it just didn't work out that way. So I'll suffice for those moments that you still need me. I'll be there.

Just let me know.

It really doesn't need to make sense anymore. Just follow the direction of the winds of change and listen to the beat of my heart. That'll be my guide.

What's important is that I break down these walls, they've kept me in for a very long time. It's time for you, Shadow, to meet the Dawn. And you Moony, child of the moon, shall start to do some star hopping. The moon is no longer your home. It has been crumbling since you received your calling from a world far, far away.

And so, the phoenix will rise with a tide of vengeance and a trail of fire. A spirit to quench the thirst of spite and cleanse with fire all that the dreadful Shadow has poisoned. The world will be old, burnt and spent. But the child shall arrive to create a new chapter with all his power, bestowed by hope and a child's limitless imagination.

So hurry on, child. Start your long journey. There is nothing in your way.

How ironic.

Wait so long.

I'd wait some more.

WAAAARGGGHHH.

The weight always starts to set it after everything's done. Somehow this mind is smart enough to place a block while i'm around people. So maybe that's just it...

Every time

To hell and back

And every time

More than before

Worth it all

No pain, no gain

There's no beauty in perfection

And life's got no flavour when its stale.

Take some time to look at the sky. Draw those curtains and open the windows to let in the wind. Brace yourself for the moment the sun light touches your skin. I bet that you'll be feeling that tinkling on your skin. That's the warmth of the sun on your skin. Did you ever realize that without the light, your eyes would be blind?

Look closer and you'll see that the sky isn't blue. It is perhaps a dozen different shades of blue. But words are limited by having only one definition. The human mind and speech, often dictated by language, can only simplify those different hues. But just so you know, that one word "blue" means so much more. Now that you think of it, doesn't it?

I look behind me and there stands my shadow. I close my eyes to remember and just feel the breeze. The wind sweeps my mind back to days far gone. Every soft touch of moving air, bellows my heart to beat in unison. I hold my breath, for just a few moments, and then let out a sigh of relief. I'm still standing.

And my eyes are on you now. As I walk back to where I left you. That park bench. You stand up and sling your bag up your shoulder. Then comes to best part - the smile you always wear. Is there a colour for that? I don't think so. But if I were to try, I'd call it beautiful. The world is beautiful and you make it all the more so.

Let it go

Tears shall fall

And wash away

Healing your wounds

Let it go

Its all it takes