So, i'm breathing heavily on this self-induced guilt trip. All these years since i've started college, i think it has been the one thing holding me down. i think i am the kind of person that strives through adversity. i overcompensate when stressed. After the whole fiasco of working on overdrive, of course, i would probably fall sick. At least i don't lie down on my bed the whole time and rot and wither.

but i think the worst part of it all, is that i am sentimental. i am dysfunctionally nostalgic about all the events that occur in my life. my brother once commented "you know, you don't need to be the one driving..." when he was talking about me having to fetch people. actually i really felt that i always did that voluntarily. it really did feel that way. but now when i look back, i guess i do have this helplessness in wanting to help people when i can. but it gets in the way with a lot of things now. now i feel guilty about all the things that i have done wrong.

the hardest part of it is not living with the consequences. those, i can live with. but i think the hardest part of it all is not being able to let go. everytime i go on an overdose of nostalgia, those dark times return to haunt me. they fill me up with guilt and i just can't seem to forgive myself for all of those things that i have done.

i do a lot, many things to distract myself, to try and make up for all my mistakes. but somehow i can never see them as being enough. maybe they are enough for other people. but i, to myself, i still feel like a useless person most of the time. i feel that this whole feeling just...somehow it...manifests in a very harmful way. somehow i am unconsciously always putting myself down into situations where it is so easy to just give up and fail.

how i wish i could get out of a circle like this. i feel that i can, rather easily, but with lots of support. somehow, i just refuse that support. i hate myself for being this way.

how do i really let go of all this baggage?